Category Archives: Cancer

100 years today

My Dad was born today 10 December 1918, to an unwed School Mistress in Yorkshire.

To my Grandmother for being the strong woman of her time, for her parents who supported her when she lost her job, for having a babe out of wedlock. I did not get to know you, but thank you.

To my Dad, a World War Two Veteran – thank you for your service.

Thank you for being there to dig the children out of the collapsed movie theatre during World War Two. For sailing far from home, to protect home and country. For getting back on the ships after being sunk on them. Thank you also for being part of Dunkirk, though you only spoke of it once, and to my sibling, I know you would have thought of it as doing your duty.

Thanks for being there throughout my childhood. We argued whenI became a teenager, and fought more than once. But you were a man of your times, and that you became in your own words “A feminist” helped me grow into one too.

We may have disagreed more often than agreed, and we were too alike to see eye to eye for long; you were still there after Mum died. You held her through the long fight with cancer, cared for her, and finally told her that you loved her. We held you as you cried that night after she died, the loss of the one constant in our lives.

Before the cancer and the madness, you met the one I would wed. You knew then, that they were a keeper. That they would provide the comfort and protection when your own cancer would take you. Thank you for welcoming them into our lives.

You didn’t get to meet our child, or see the grandkids you had then go on and have children of their own. I wonder, as does my child, what you would have thought of them. Whether your true colours would have shown through, or whether you would have been just glad that I had finally “caught” up with my siblings……

Your birthday is today, I’ve baked a cake to celebrate and honour you. I’ve lit a candle for you as well. I will gather my little family around, and we’ll sing you a Happy Birthday, for without you, there would be no us.

I miss you Dad.

 

 

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The saga of myLump

So having spent a good portion of this week, being poked, prodded, ultra sounded and mammogrammed, and then waiting….and waiting…my results have finally arrived.

I took my partner, who volunteered because I’m a mess when getting results. (Too busy crying to pay attention.) I was so sick in my stomach, and so worried, that by the time we got into see the GP, I had worked myself up into worse case possible scenario.

But listening to the results – which basically said the lump was not presenting as breast cancer.  I could have a biopsy ( not right now I need to think about this), that I would definitely need to keep an eye on it, and be ultra sounded all over again in 3 months.

It’s a result, one that was a lot better than what I was thinking about when I should have been sleeping for the last week. The shadow of cancer hangs over all my siblings, and I have dodged the bullet. But as my rational and logical partner said – at least I’ve got some solid baselines, that the GP can monitor my changes from….because I go in for tests on a regular basis for all the other cancers I have a hereditary tendency for.

On top of this yesterday was my Mum’s birthday, and grief over the loss of her certainly played a large part in my worry over what would happen to my child if I was to die. I spoke to my sister in law about taking on our child should the worst happen to us both…. she was so supportive…and kind….

But for now, I just get to play the waiting game, while my body decides what to do about this lump of mine. Not sure what else I can write at the moment, the news is still so fresh and I need time to digest it.

Thank you for the kind words and support.

 

World Ovarian Cancer Day

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World Ovarian Cancer Day

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Three Things

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I’m always one for a list, and this one I first saw on the amazing Jena Strong post, and followed it back to http://www.listsandletters.com – there is something about change that frightens folks, when I see it as the opportunity to get rid of the old ways and instil some better ways of living…..so here’s my list…..

1. I’m now going through the last change in my reproductive life – yes Menopause. Brought on by the loss of both my ovaries, my uterus and a couple of masses that grew up out and all over. This is the biggest change I’ve ever gone through – including puberty. This is a one way journey which I will emerge from stronger, healthier, and full of life.

2. I’ve given myself the freedom to turn off the negative voice, to no longer heed it’s dire warnings. Living without the fear of failure, is something I need to change in myself, and accept that the only way I do learn is to fail, and by picking myself up and continuing, only then will I know I’m actually a winner….confused????

3.By daring to open myself up to others, and to be able to give compassion and empathy, without depleting myself in the process. A huge ask I know, but one that I’m learning can help and be helpful to so many people.

Technology issues

Ah the joy of this technology paced life, is that for those of us who are already behind the eight ball, when our tech dies, there’s nothing still existing that can replace it.

I admit freely that I am not current with the latest and greatest Iwidgets or Cyborg functioning AI’s – so when the trusty, very old (for now) modem of mine decided it was time to leave this plane of existence and transcend to where old electronics go, then I was stuck. Left hanging in the space that exists for those of us, not embracing the digital waves, and having to old school it.

Going this way was fun, I got to interact with real live human beings, not someone’s inbox, but someone face to face. I caught up, I laughed, I experiences first hand, what life was like before the net intruded over me, and caught me fast.

Imagine that….if you can……it was different, strange and yet comforting all the same.

My daily remind…

My daily reminder: Find a bit of beauty in the world today. Share it. If you can’t find it, create it. Some days this may be hard to do. Persevere from Lisa Bonchek Adams
http://lisabadams.com/2014/03/04/update-342014/#comment-16944

Please consider this quote, it’s written from the heart by a courageous woman and it is something we can all do, in our day to day lives.

Live well, and love those you care about,

Take care

 

Ovarianc Cancer some facts on Survival Rates

Ovarianc Cancer some facts on Survival Rates

Make yourself aware of the symptoms, and get yourself checked out……

Pain, death, and a right to choose

This post dates back to when my Mother was battling bowel cancer, sixteen years ago. She was an incredibly brave woman, who had endured countless operations to remove the cancer, but looking back now, with every breath she took, her body was dying. Her inner strength could not overcome what she was facing.

I remember walking into ICU to visit her, and walking past her, because she had physically shrank, to the size of a child, her body was in the end skin and bones. I did not recognise my own Mother, and that was incredibly frightening to me.

My last conversation with her was on the 1st of January, a new year, she’d rung me to wish me a Happy New Year. Her voice was faint, and I asked how she was, and she said “oh getting there”. What I found out, after she had died, was that she’d made her own decision to take herself off her heart tablets by then. She and my Dad had spoken about it, and she had made the conscious decision that she had, had enough. That her body could no longer go on. She was weary, exhausted by the battle that had been fought and lost in her body.

She died on the 4th of January, a massive heart attack, finally taking our brave, dearly loved mother. One that she had a hand in.

So endeth my Mother’s bitter battle. And started our family disintegrating. (That is another story for another time).

But in the end, she had chosen this path. She had suffered long enough, and battled so hard, that her body had shrunk. We found out when they autopsied her, that the cancer was everywhere, she was riddled with it. Can you imagine the pain that she must have been experiencing?

It took me a long time to come to terms with my Mother’s decision, but I respect her for making this decision, it was hers to make. What went through her mind in those days after she’d made the decision I’ll never know, but I know she made it because in the end, the pain and suffering was too much for her to bear.

So when I see other people making similar decisions, about their own lives, I respect their decision making. It is their choice, and their lives. They know how much pain they have suffered, and how much more suffering they will endure. It is not my place to tell them that they must soldier on, to put on a brave front, while their body consumes them.

But I do speak as someone who was left out of the decision making process, as someone who was left behind. I would have liked to have spoken to my Mum about her decision, so I wouldn’t have spent ten years afterwards trying to work it out for myself. To have heard it from her…….

So I support a person’s right to choose. That might offend you, or offend your belief system, but having seen both my parents die terrible, painful deaths from cancer, this is my decision. You will no doubt have your own opinion.

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