Going on

So the past week I’ve been down with a cold, which means I slow right down……and it gives me a lot of time at night to ponder on the big issues, while I can’t sleep. (Colds and Menopause – who knew this is like chronic sleep deprivation for the non HRT me?).

I thought a lot about how I coped in the aftermath of the losses I’ve experienced so far. Of how I shut down at first by the first waves of grief, of how getting out of bed, eating right or even exercising seemed things too far away to cope with. Of sheltering in the grief as it pounded away at me.

Then there comes a day when you can get out bed, with your box of tissues, and though it’s not easy, you get through a day. It’s no longer getting through that initial hour by hour loss, but it’s a day. Slowly you learn to live in this new world that has been created for you by the loss, and your feelings of loss. You adapt, because you have to. If you don’t you stay mired at the point of loss, and forever swim in that tragic grief.

It’s not easy – the first year, all those firsts you have to weather. And our western society expects us to put on a brave face and get through them, even when all you want to do is crawl backwards into bed. For me it’s justifiable, that’s how I grieve, I wail, I gnash, I sob, and I want to do that by myself, in the safety of my own room. (Door closed, tissue boxes lined up). It’s not fair that we’re expected to hide this part of who we are now. But it’s part of what society expects. (A cruel expectation especially in that first year).

So you weather that first year, and you’re faced with the second, the third years, and I will say for me, they did get a little easier to deal with. But that’s because I allowed myself to grieve at my own pace and in my own fashion. I was kind and gentle to myself, and not taking on the stiff upper lip attitude when my heart had been broken and it felt like the world as I knew it had ended. (Even when it was obvious the rest of the world kept going, oblivious to the gaping hole now in my life).

So I’m now at sixteen years passed the death of my beloved mother. I can now think back on what we had, on what we shared, and also on her flaws. She’s no longer a saint, but a human being, that I loved dearly, even though we did argue, bicker and disagree on major issues. I can for the most part (last week excepted) talk about her, and share her with my own family now.

But it took a long time for me to get through looking at friend’s sharing moments with their own mothers without tearing up and crying. For the loss of what might have been, could have been, had been.

During these sixteen years, I’ve lost my Dad, friends, relations, and each loss has changed again my world subtly at times, or in the case of my Dad, forced me again to re evaluate what I wanted, what I needed to do with the remaining years of my own life.

So for me, going on after a loss of any kind, is a simple fact of just getting through the grief, to feel it wash over you, acknowledge it, and then be kind and gentle until you’re ready to start living the new life, the one that was formed in the temple of your grief. It’s hard, it’s bitter, it’s full of anger and rage at times, but it’s a process that we have to go through, to get to the new phase.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Storyshucker

A blog full of humorous and poignant observations.

Logical Quotes

Logical and Inspirational Quotes

Blookup Blog

Turn and print all your digital contents, blogs and social networks into amazing real paper books on blookup.com

Press "M" for Menopause

My Life After Surgical Menopause

becoming mama with grace and humility

Raising a family on the roots of our Father. With Farm , Faith, and Family.

Adventures in International Law

Living the dream? You be the judge! Join me in my journey from corporate litigator to international lawyer. Here I will share my experiences in the world of international humanitarian and human rights law, as well as my cultural experiences, observations, and blunders along the way.

hearts on sleeves club

If you wear your heart on your sleeve, join the club.

donette1blog

Smile! You’re at the best WordPress.com site ever

Joanne Clancy

Writer of Killer Thrillers

EMMANUEL MUEMA'S BLOG

Thank You For Giving Me A Million Views. For Advertisements Send Kshs 400 Via M-Pesa To 0711737196 Or Send 4 US Dollars Via PayPal To mycomuema@gmail.com

There she goes

Bookgrrl's Blog!

Ballarat Library Chick

Thoughts, Ideas and so much more

The Travelling Bentons

The everyday impressions of the peripatetic Benton's Grand Adventures

International Book Giving Day 2017

Give a book on Valentine's Day

Alex McCart Writes

University pieces, news & opinion

Broken White Line

Family. Photos. Failures. Life.

What's Abby Eating?

"Eat food, mostly plants, not too much." - Michael Pollan

Recommended Reading

Thoughts from a high school teacher librarian

wanderlora's blog

Thoughts, quotes and pics from around the world

Bookin' It

So Many Books. So Little Time. Let's Review!

Gold Museum, Ballarat

Showcasing Ballarat's history

5000 POPPIES

A Community Tribute of Respect and Remembrance

British Empress

Everyday ethical wear

Rich with Life

A "Rich" girl, learning to enjoy, enrich, and embrace each and every day.

livingly dying

notes & essays on daily life with terminal cancer

Tolu's Kitchen

Where delicious dairy, gluten, sugar, soy, and yeast free food magic happens

The Librarian Who Doesn't Say Shhh!

Opening books to open minds.

MelsNattyKnits

Knitting and Yarning from Downunder!

International Librarians Network

A meeting place for librarians from around the world.

Red Dirt Ramblings®

Firmly rooted and growing in Oklahoma soil

Secular Party of Australia

The Secular Party of Australia stands for separation between church and state.

The Cancer Chronicles

My account of the bold, bald, battle

Hollis Plample

draws comics

whatiseeproject

A global exploration of women's perceptions and self-expression.

Shawn L. Bird

Original poetry, commentary, and fiction. All copyrights reserved.

Carrie Cariello

Exploring the Colorful World of Autism

Ray Ferrer - Emotion on Canvas

** OFFICIAL Site of Artist Ray Ferrer **

Basics On A Budget

Small Changes, Big Results

Jena Schwartz

Fierce Encouragement for Writing + Life

berjerac

Just another WordPress.com site

This Is My Secret

Thoughts, Ideas and so much more

purplepersuasion

Thoughts, Ideas and so much more

Where Art & Words Collide

Thoughts, Ideas and so much more

SPACE AND BEYOND

Thoughts, Ideas and so much more

Jacobsverse's Blog

A soldier's Mother writes poetry about what it is like to have war in your livingroom. Please respect Copyright. All works are original by Author unless otherwise stated. Copyright © 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013

purplepersuasion

Mental health blog by a service user with bipolar disorder. Winner of the Mark Hanson Awards for Digital Media at the Mind Media Awards 2013 and the Mood Disorder category in the 2012 This Week in Mentalists Awards.

%d bloggers like this: