Panic and how to deal with it

In this time between diagnosis, and treatment, I dangle, not knowing which way to swing. One minute I’ll be panic struck – knowing how badly I deal with general anaesthetics, and the pain, and the recovery of the surgery – plus the dark black dread of waiting for them to tell me if it’s all benign…..

I swing then to the tired, run down, pain med muddled me, the one that just want this all over and done with. The me that tells myself that I must focus on my destination, rather than the journey this time. That it will all be worth it, the brutality of surgery, and recovery will be swapped by a life free of chronic pain and medication that slows me down.

The panic strikes usually in the dark night, when I lay trembling next to my dearly beloved, and I lie there, churning, worrying, anxious on how will I cope. And then I start to take control, to breath through the panic, to understand that my fear is just that, and that I can control this. I might not have a wonderful recovery period (I set world records in my ability to throw up after a general, which with abdominal surgery is not a really good feeling), but I will recover. That it will be benign (the power of positive thinking here) and that I will soon be back playing with my dear child and partner.

So my way of coping with panic is simple – I believe. I believe that it will all work out. That the pain and suffering will be worth it, and that it will all work out.


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4 thoughts on “Panic and how to deal with it

  1. Graeme Watt October 15, 2013 at 8:20 am Reply

    Good luck with surgery and recovery JW, Lucky I didn’t have a general anesthetic for my last op, only spinal block for TURP op.
    Cheers GW

    • spicejac October 15, 2013 at 9:12 am Reply

      Thanks GW. I had an epidural with my son….and I was still experiencing the same reaction – they had never seen anyone who reacted like me before….like to say that’s because I’m an original.

  2. rbat October 15, 2013 at 10:57 am Reply

    My darling girl, am thinking of you & praying that your recovery is swift. It is so hard to feel the panic before hand. I too experience bad reactions and it is very hard to consider doing it again. Thinking of you & sending you all my courage to share. Love you, B xx

    • spicejac October 15, 2013 at 11:00 am Reply

      Thank you my darling B – I find those middle of the night panic sessions the worst, because I realise how much I have to lose and how I don’t want to lose it now, and the flashbacks to the reactions are the most clear too……..lots of love J

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